I don't want to write about this here, but I want to write it some where, and it seems pointless to lock it away. Things are not happy in my little world right now and I am yet again stuck in a precarious situation of having NOTHING to do about it. Parents are so stupid, and they take you for granted, just like the world does everything else. So I sit here, and whine, be told things I don't believe, yet still let them effect me, I over analyze and let myself crumble into a little ball of nothing.

The only thing I have to look foreward to is my senior project, how pathetic is that.

I suppose I had best explain, since this is supposedly for "keeping up to date." I have for the past week become what I feel to be a burden on many, and as much as I feel my dreams coming together, I feel I have lost my backing. I don't want to name names, except one, because I think she needs to know. The rest of you, take it as thou wilt.

Rei, what the hell is going on? Perhaps you haven't noticed, or I am over analyzing but you are deffinetely not the person I was with all summer, and not the girl who I spent all saturday with. Have I changed or you? I can't lose any more friends, Matt was enough. But there is something different that I can't connect with.

There are people who have brought me down to booster themselves in smaller ways, and the small papercuts hurt worse than the gorging wounds. I am a naturally happy and hyper person in a very much unhappy society. I feel like I'm fighting the losing battle, but I stil lfight, however dejected I am. And you will not bend me towards your will damnit! I will not slink quietly into the night without a single word of protest! I got away from that years ago and I refuse to return!

On the good side, my art work on dreams seems to really be coming along, my art teacher is even letting me use a piece of my own artwork.

Now there's the harshest subject which deals with my overbearer. Things are deffinitely wrong in this household, for we do not even argue. Three nights I have eaten hme alone from dinner with what ever scraps they find worth bringing me back, and when I order something, they either forget or get it wrong, there fore ruining the meal I was looking foreward to. Yet like the niave child, I keep thinking they'll get it right. Simple things are not shown, getting up with your daughter and making her breakfast before going off to a long day of sitting in a car never crosses their minds, nor does waiting up for me in the morning. I slink off into another day without so much as a goodbye, just silence. Silence, there's a lot of that these days. I no longer talk to mother unless it is neccesary for there is a wall there. She doesn't wish to talk to me, so she ignores me instead, and surrounds herself in book and husbandry.

I sit here, alone, thinking how nice it would be if they would be here to blow out my eighteen candles with me, but already knowing they wonn't be. Nor will there be any big party for me. I'll just ignore it, like any other day. At least my parents are having fun right? I'll disappear on this trip too, while I spend christmas by myself in Disney World, for they are around grown ups, and there fore have grown up things to do. When did I become inadequete entertainment? When was I no longer enough?

Yet for all her lack of attention ,she still holds an iron fist over my actions and friends. So I am the child told what to do and expected to be silent. And most pathetically, I'm following that rule.

It's been going on for weeks now, long before schoo lstarted. I never wanted to mention it, in fact, I am tempted to erase this memory now and just convince myself I never attempted to write it, but I suppose I'd better enter it, and walk away before I change my mind.