I will try to fix you

   I am so tired of being sick every minute of every day! And if I here one comment of "come on, it can't be that" I am going to rip heads. It IS that bad ok? I am in pain every minute of every day, and due to some stupid logic that my doctor's have that I "might be addicted" to my pain killers I only take one when Colin can't take my screaming and shoves one down my throat. It hurts, every minute of every god damned day it hurts, and all I get to hear is "We couldn't find anything." FUCK YOUR NOT FINDING ANYTHING! If I was internally bleeding, you would care more. Then I get, "We'll send you to UC Davis, see if they can." Have you thought that maybe your arrogant I have an MD brain is maybe LOOKING IN THE WRONG SPOT?! The pain is getting worse people, it takes over my whole torso, it makes me scream and cry out like some one is stabbing me. Why aren't more people getting worried about this? It's becoming hard to eat, hard to sleep, and when the pain is really bad it's hard to breathe. I sleep all day because it's the only release I have, because the pain gets so bad it knocks me out. But why don't any of you care? Is it because you can't find anything so there must be nothing wrong? THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! There is something VERY VERY WRONG.

And when are you going to figure out? When it kills me so you can rip open my fucking cadaver and go "oh, that's what it was, well shucks we should have known." When I'm dead, and Colin is LEFT ALONE for the rest of his goddamned life? Wondering why they couldn't save me or help me? What if I die at UC Davis? He can't even come see me, because he will be working non-stop to make sure I have a place to come home to...and what if I never come home?

If there is a shinigami sitting around with this in his little book, I want to kick his ass. I have paid my fucking karma to this world, so stop riding my ass! Let me live my life now that I have something to live for. I want to be an artist, and it is being TAKEN AWAY. Stop taking everything away.

I want the pain to end, I want it to stop. I'm tired of the drugs, the pain killers, and everything else you give me. They work for a day, maybe two, and then nothing. Nothing at all. I am going mad with all this pain. So why, why the doctors who have been looking over me for three god damned months...why don't you care?