I will try to fix you

Haven't been on here in awhile.

I'm half tempted to make it my sketch dump.

I just might do it.

So until I have some sketches, you shall remain empty. My poor mindsay...

I hope to hell they have an answer of some form. At any rate, Mom is picking me up soon so I will be coming back and writing a blog about what they find.

those few of you who actually read my blog. I need help from Carson Citiers. So if you have a friend or friends who need a place to live, and want their own apartment, please read this.

We need someone to take over our lease at the Tanglewood Apartments in Carson City, NV. It's a nice apartment, two bedroom, one bath, single story, with a small dirt back yard. Rent is $880 a month plus a pet fee of $15 per animal per month (and possibly a $200 non-refundable one time fee, depending on if ours carries over). They accept dogs and cats, up to two total (or three if you ask really nicely), but only up to one dog. We can easily change all the utilities over to your name as well as the apartment. You need to submit an application to them  ($35 fee for the background check) and we need to give a month's notice prior to moving out (though if the application goes through we don't mind forfeiting that month unofficially). Please let us know as soon as possible.

   I am so tired of being sick every minute of every day! And if I here one comment of "come on, it can't be that" I am going to rip heads. It IS that bad ok? I am in pain every minute of every day, and due to some stupid logic that my doctor's have that I "might be addicted" to my pain killers I only take one when Colin can't take my screaming and shoves one down my throat. It hurts, every minute of every god damned day it hurts, and all I get to hear is "We couldn't find anything." FUCK YOUR NOT FINDING ANYTHING! If I was internally bleeding, you would care more. Then I get, "We'll send you to UC Davis, see if they can." Have you thought that maybe your arrogant I have an MD brain is maybe LOOKING IN THE WRONG SPOT?! The pain is getting worse people, it takes over my whole torso, it makes me scream and cry out like some one is stabbing me. Why aren't more people getting worried about this? It's becoming hard to eat, hard to sleep, and when the pain is really bad it's hard to breathe. I sleep all day because it's the only release I have, because the pain gets so bad it knocks me out. But why don't any of you care? Is it because you can't find anything so there must be nothing wrong? THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! There is something VERY VERY WRONG.

And when are you going to figure out? When it kills me so you can rip open my fucking cadaver and go "oh, that's what it was, well shucks we should have known." When I'm dead, and Colin is LEFT ALONE for the rest of his goddamned life? Wondering why they couldn't save me or help me? What if I die at UC Davis? He can't even come see me, because he will be working non-stop to make sure I have a place to come home to...and what if I never come home?

If there is a shinigami sitting around with this in his little book, I want to kick his ass. I have paid my fucking karma to this world, so stop riding my ass! Let me live my life now that I have something to live for. I want to be an artist, and it is being TAKEN AWAY. Stop taking everything away.

I want the pain to end, I want it to stop. I'm tired of the drugs, the pain killers, and everything else you give me. They work for a day, maybe two, and then nothing. Nothing at all. I am going mad with all this pain. So why, why the doctors who have been looking over me for three god damned months...why don't you care?

I guess some weird things creep into my head at night. First the dream about a far away magical realm with half dragons, a mysterious princess who isn't exactly human, and now to a really really fucking sci-fi world.

Basically I was part of a high tech team of rebels. We were fighting off a planetary alliance of some sort, for there was something it was doing that was awful. May I also mention I was hellishly hot, but not exactly human either. I was bio-engineered for some experiments a while ago, and they woke me up every now and again to work as an assassin. But this rebel team found me, ripped the possession device from me, and then finito we were out of there. I was around 5'7", long black hair, strange icy blue eyes, pale skin. It was very strange because I was VERY human, all of the same ways you could kill me ect, but I was also the first human bio-engineering experiment that could dream, but not only dreamed. I dreamed of real places, and I could also access a very specific computer system. There was this strange new computer thing they were doing where in order to make it so computers could work faster they worked at the speed of light, but the light could do more than just run the computer, it could travel from world to world in specific traveling units. I could tap right into them. These beams of light some times hit each other and sent energy everywhere, but this was very rare now. The strange thing was that it seemed that these beams of pure light left residue behind, and these residues could be found in the dream world that I could tap into. So I followed them, and found out what was going on by these bits and pieces of information. Don't ask me how I knew this in the dream, I just did.

Alright, so my crew was made up of this strange black blob of a creature who seemed to like walking around in the form of a four legged spider like thing with this large glowing eye type crystal thing. She could not access the dream world, but could decipher the data disks and such at an alarming rate, I think she is a computer like form, but in liquidic and thinking form. It was truly weird. She couldn't talk to anyone but me, because there something that connected us, she spoke to me in a code but it transfered into a voice. Some really weird stuff for a girl who is not a computer.

Then there was I think three other members. This really cool green colored guy, perfectly bald. He wore loose fitting clothes and didn't speak much. I believe that his world had become terraformed by the planetary alliance and all his people were killed. A few of them still lived scattered, but not many, and most were being hunted.

Then there was two human males. One was in constant status, he had gotten a data spea, the new version of weapons to this world,  to the chest and was barely hanging on, so we had put him into status to keep him alive. Then there was another male, boy. Gay funnily enough, an kinda flamingly so. He was cute though, young and a bit pudgy but very cute. He was really innocent, and he was with us due to the fact that his family was killed by the planetary alliance, they were both researches involved in the project that involved me some how, and he too was rescued from the same facility as myself.  I might add, for some reason I do not age...ever.

Anyway, there was also another woman on the team, she was a dark mocha in color, buddhist I think. She came from earth, the only one of our party who did. She wore very strange clothes, I can't really describe them. She had years upon years of combat training, I didn't get a chance to find out exactly what it was she did, besides cook some of the most awesome food ever.

Now the real kicker, was where we were. There was this large floating green cube, I'm not kidding a cube, with all sorts of odd beige pods upon it. The green cube was a computer, a gigantic freaking computer. It floated in space and on the top and bottom, I think, were two blank spots where these beams of strange green light and mist escaped. They were like pure pillars of this green color, surrounded by rings of varying colors but mostly blue. The beige things were life pods for non-computer life forms. It wasn't exactly the greatest thing designed ever for sustaining human life since they didn't understand how humans worked so the air level was a bit low, but it wasn't bad. The floor was strangely plush, and the bedding was divine. We were here to find a girl, human girl. A really dumb bimbo of a human too. I have no clue why the fuck we were finding her, but I had to travel the cross hairs of the technology emissions, I guess you could call them. Which was hard as hell since all there were were these fucking emissions and you had to jump from one to another to get to the right place. Luckily the, I dunno astral projection of the blob like captain was there and she helped me. Soon we cornered her down in the shopping district of this lower disk. The lower disks were all the living quarters for non computer life forms and controlled by the sphere. She was shopping, blowing money, and having a grand old time. So we decided to send down Harold, the gay kid, to talk to her.

In the mean time, I was asked to sleep, I also had a hilarious trip of going to the bathroom that I really don't want to talk about. So I slept, until Harold contacted me. He was dressed in feather edged jacket, lipstick, oh it was hilarious. He was having a grand old time, and now had managed to get her to leave him alone in his apartment. He wanted me to use the data emissions to show my astralprojectiony self to him and help, but since I had a video read out we decided we would just work that way. Around this time I woke up due to m dog licking my face. But got, it was weird.

It's going to be a very long night. Things have gotten pretty bad, my ulcer is acting up in a way that is hard to deal with, school is going VERY badly, and sadly it's because of me, and Colin well....Colin...*sigh*

School, we'll start with school. My career is going, nowhere. Yeah, no where. And I know it, so I have NO inspiration towards school. I keep trying and trying and trying, but no deal. I don't want to be here. WNCC is doing NOTHING for my art career, and I learn more from sitting home and sketching all day than I ever learn going to class. The only class I enjoy is piano. It's fun, it's easy, and I just get better every time I sit down. Dufau doesn't try to tell me what to do, and just reminds me how good I am. Dufau is probably the only thing positive in my life right now.

Colin...I'm at a loss. I'm not going to talk much about it on here, it's just too awkward. But, for tonight at least, we shall be sleeping in separate spaces. Perhaps...perhaps this is just a relapse...but perhaps this is the beginning of the end. As always, all good things must come to an end, and all areas have their rocky points...but...I...I worry that this will be where we have to split ways.

Here is hoping for some good news.

Goodnight.

Ok, there was one class I was super excited about this semester. I have risen above the other peons and got my butt into drawing II. Drawing II from what I saw last semester was doing what you wanted with teacher input. I was stoked, I did an entire semester of doing what I was told, and I was excited to do something for myself.

Unfortunately, I couldn't take it at the normal campus, they weren't offering it in the fall, so instead I had to take it at the Douglas Campus. I wasn't too heart broken. It meant I would have to drive further twice a week, but that was it. I had heard of my instructor and wasn't too worried.

Until I walked into her class.

The first few minutes were fine, she seemed nice enough although she made no comment towards what I told her about myself and the like. But then she got into the syllabus, first thing she said "no drawing from pictures" of course, I'm fine with that. I didn't mind that at all, that is totally up to the instructor, and it's easier to draw images. So nothing so far, she goes over the rules (of course I'm sitting there sketching and not paying attention) when something she says pushes my little ears up. She is going to be talking about what we are doing this semester, so now I am going to finally be paying attention.

No drawing from the mind, only fucking still life, and no portraits! I WANTED TO SCREAM! I am SOOO tired of complete realism. I understand that realism is VERY necessary for a beginning artist, and so forth. But I can't even take something from life and make it extraordinary! Nooooo, only still life. She kept going on about improving "our eye" and showed me what I'd be doing. This isn't advancement or experimentation into our own lives, thoughts, and styles, this is Drawing I with a harder still life.

Excuse me as I remind myself how much money I wasted for this fucking course. And she doesn't even supply anything! She spent all her money on props so we have to buy EVERYTHING on our own. Those sketch books cost a lot lady, and I just managed to get food money from a friend's hospitality, I don't have enough money to buy all the little things you find fucking necessary when you should have provided it! Who needs really good props, I'd rather have you buying me fucking pencils bitch!

I am not in art to draw what I see, because you can take a fucking picture faster than you will ever draw it. I am in art to get my ideas on paper, and to show the world something new. And hearing you talk about realism being the only true art form is making me want to puke.

What in the hell huh? And if I hear you say "I will show you what art really is" one more time I might scream! YOU don't know what art IS! No one does! Because it's different for everyone. Why do you think it is that we all like different artists, because they are all art god damnit! So please, take your head out of your ass, and open your eyes. We're not hear to listen how good your method is, how it should be the only one. We're here to better our art for ourselves. That is the simple and straight forward truth, we want to be better at the art we like. So give us a little breathing room god damnit! None of us want to be you, not one of us, so can't we just be ourselves? I swear to god she is going to be one of those instructors that if you don't do it her way you fail.

She also scoffed about "cartoonists" to my face, had no idea what the manga styling was, and told me that if I wanted to spend the rest of my life drawing meaningless cartoons I shouldn't be in her class. Yeah, like those drawings of your dog are going to get you anywhere, you've never even left this dinky little state and probably haven't sold a single piece. So please, shove that sketch paper in your mouth, I don't need to hear it.